I’d like to dedicate this post to two of my favorite OK Cupid online usernames: Kitilicker and GloryHolerSouth. They’re heartfelt, sensitive, and I imagine, very effective in wooing the ladies.
Oh Kitilicker! He’s a special, special man. Does he honestly think that any woman in her right mind will respond to his messages when his username is such a feeble euphemism for cunnilingus? If this is as cunning as he can be with his words, I fear for his skills in the fine art of the act itself. Some of my girlfriends get so upset by the atrocious names that guys like him use as seeming bait to lure us to poly-satin covered, round be-mirrored beds, but I happen to love it. It is true entertainment.
So, I want to share about Kitilicker. He has contacted me several times over these last months. Every so often he’ll have a new user name, maybe Cunnylicker, but he doesn’t stray far from his truth. There are several awesome things about him.
- His EPIC profile picture. It is a close up of his face and leering, toothy grin. He bears an unfortunate resemblance to a randy beaver. He is wearing a gray suit and tie, and his receding blondish widow’s peak has been buzzed to a monkish length. It is not a delightful vision of what you want between your thighs.
- His tenacity. He is single-minded in his pursuit, sending frequent missives concerning the mutual pleasure we could find in one another’s arms. He is also clever, occasionally changing up his username to “Ilick4u”, perhaps to catch his targeted ladies off-guard, but surprisingly, never changing that unmistakable profile picture.
- His profile itself. For all his big talk and toothy grin, according to his profile the man only wants someone to love. Not ONCE in his bio does he address his bold choice of username, or his quite forward message content and how he just loooooves to lick. His bio reads something along the lines of “I’m a goodhearted man just looking for Mrs. Right”. Well! We all need love.
The second special shout out goes to everyone’s friend: GloryHolerSouth. He is an absolute favorite for several reasons.
1. His bio says he is married
2. He may (or may not) be very confused about the demographic that is lured in by glory holes. Does he not realize I am a woman? Does he think that many women frequent gloryholes? Or does he just love doing anal so much with the ladies that he appropriated a term best reserved for gay bath houses to describe his passion for the southern orifice? If so, perhaps he’s afflicted with the curse of the terrible innuendo, much like “Arrested Development’s” Tobias Funke, and his infamous stint as an analrapist.
3. He has opted out of a profile picture and his bio reads he is looking for discreet encounters. Ooohhhh! So tempting! To be sweet talked and wooed by the anonymous GloryHolerSouth seems almost to good to be true. Would he take me out to dinner at a nice restaurant? Or would we just go to the truck stop on the way out of town? He seems like a real keeper. I bet his wife is tickled!
To you gentlemen, I say thank you. Thank you for so boldly expressing yourselves. For not being afraid to put it out there. And for being a shining example that OKCupid does not discriminate on any level of taste or bad-decision making.
To all you online daters who have showed more restraint in your choices… What are the best/worst usernames that you have come across? I want to know!