Kitchen Remodel, Week Eight

After 8 weeks with no kitchen a gentle despair sets in. You think it won’t happen to you—you’re steady, you meditate—but you’re wrong. The absence of function really starts to erode your ease. The kitchen remodel blues commence. 

You thought, perhaps, ‘washing dishes in the bathtub will be an adventure.’ Like going camping or joining the circus. But instead, cleaning dishware in the same room that you pee sort of starts to bring you down. 

Sadly, all those cliches you heard about kitchen remodels were true:

• The freight company will hold your wife’s range hostage out of spite
• Cabinets will arrive late and when they finally arrive, they are damaged. Cabinet ETA will remain unknown
• The new washing machine will malfunction, flooding one side of the kitchen subfloor
• An appliance delivery truck will destroy 10 feet of your new neighbor’s retaining wall
• Sewage water will overflow through an uncapped plumbing line where the sink once was. The other side of the kitchen floor will flood 
• Skipping showers will become all too reasonable (because whoever showers has to wash the dishes at the same time)
• Your meals will be mostly cereal (this is a secret perk, actually)

You begin to believe that the kitchen remodel will, in fact, never be complete and that the nice, but essentially unknown, men will be in your home forever. You may even start to think you never had a stove or cabinets—and that plastic sheeting has always been your home decor. 

If this is you, dear friend of little faith, please stay strong. One day, maybe even one day this year, you’ll have a kitchen ceiling, floor and cabinets once more.